Looking for Space

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Today is January 4th. I am a few days into my SDJ. I am already feeling grateful for the experience because I haven't journaled this much in about 30 years!


I decided that I need a theme song for the Journey. It just feels like a good idea. And I found one that I think nails it. I will explain ... it's a roundabout story, but part of the journey. 

I have a new car. It's actually an older car - a 2016 Mercedes - but it's new to me. It's a small sedan, so it's good for my new commute. I no longer have SIRIUS radio, which is a real bummer because I absolutely lived for The Message and Holly - two SIRIUS stations. So I love my new car Brigita, but I do miss my tunes. 

Brigita does have a CD player, and last summer, my daughter gave me a Dolly Parton CD, which I listened to religiously on my way to and from work all summer. It was the soundtrack of my summer. (It was ironic at the time because my boss was a little like Dabney Coleman in 9-to-5, so I actually felt like I manifested my horrible work situation. When I told my daughter this, she simply waved her finger at me and said, "Don't blame Dolly.") Luckily, my boss is now gone, and I am in charge. Dolly, Jane, and Lily would be so proud!

So, anyway. I recently took a bunch of CDs from our ancient CD collection and have started listening to them in my car. A few days after Christmas, I put the Indigo Girls CD in my car. I have not listened to this CD for at least 25 years, and I am not exaggerating.

When I heard that the first song, Closer to Fine, I was blown away. The song sent me back to Cornell. I was transformed to another time and place. I knew every single word and every single note. If I wasn't driving, I could have closed my eyes and pictured myself at 214 Eddy Street in Ithaca, NY belting this song out with my college roommates. I was acutely aware that I was a different person then. We were a bunch of 21-year-olds living in a total dive living the college life. The world ahead of us was 100% possibility and ALL dreams. Somehow the song just sent me to that place.

When I got home, I told my daughter about the transformation. She said she knew the song from the Barbie movie and that the song played a "big part" in the movie. Huh? I didn't understand. We watched the movie the next night (my first time seeing it and my two daughters' third time seeing it), and I couldn't believe how Closer to Fine was so integral, just as my daughter said. Music is just powerful. Even Barbie knows it!

So, I thought that Closer to Fine could be the theme song of my SDJ. They lyrics are fitting.

And I went to the doctor, I went to the mountainsI looked to the children, I drank from the fountainsThere's more than one answer to these questionsPointing me in a crooked lineAnd the less I seek my source for some definitive(The less I seek my source)Closer I am to fine, yeah

The SDJ is about looking for answers and relying on myself as the source of definition instead of other things in the world. Perfect, right?

But then I changed my mind. That song was from a different period of my life. The SDJ is for moving forward, not looking backward.

So, I drove to work yesterday and decided to put in a John Denver CD. (JD was brilliant, no?)

I heard one of his songs called "Looking for Space". The lyrics are spot on:

On the road of experienceI'm trying to find my own waySometimes I wish that I could fly awayWhen I think that I'm movingSuddenly things stand stillI'm afraid 'cause I think they always will
And I'm looking for spaceAnd to find out who I amAnd I'm looking to know and understandIt's a sweet, sweet dreamSometimes I'm almost thereSometimes I fly like an eagleAnd sometimes I'm deep in despair

So ... there it is. The theme song of my Self-Discovery Journey 2024. I am looking to know and understand. It is a sweet, sweet dream. I am ready for it! 

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